Why did I wake up and suddenly decide that today was the day that I'm going to suddenly get really emotional about a guy I had a crush on more than a year ago? Why is it that today I suddenly feel like crying my eyes out when I see a picture of the two of you together?
You and the one you like instead of me.
This isn't the first time something like this has happened, where my emotions get the better of me. The other day, I spent a whole afternoon wondering what would have happened if I just told the guy that I liked that I liked him. This was the first guy that I ever thought definitely liked me back. Again, this happened over two years ago. But I can't help thinking about it now, a stupid amount of years later as I rot in my bedroom. Because what else is there to do all day except get weirdly in touch with your feelings?
To be perfectly clear, I don't suddenly have crushes on all these people again. I'm just sporadically grieving the losses of all these failed crushes all over again; all at the same time. My brain has decided to relive every gut-wrenching cringe-inducing embarrassing part of these failed entanglements just for kicks. Because again, what else is there to do all day except get weirdly in touch with your emotions?
But one thing I've realised, more than anything, during my time of self-reflection is:
I hate rejection.
I hate the act of putting yourself out there, talking to someone new, doing the whole process just to be teared down afterwards and forced to start again. To try again from scratch with someone new.
I hate it.
I hate being vulnerable with people, I hate letting someone in.
But I like the idea of getting to know someone else, having someone else feel like they can be vulnerable with me. Like they can share all their hopes and dreams, trials and tribulations with me. Because they trust me.
You become allies. You create a bond with this person, this special person that feels like home to you.
So how am I supposed to be okay when that person becomes a stranger?
Or worse; when they just want to be friends?
How can I do that? How can I possibly do that?
You're someone I poured my heart out to, someone who knows me more than I know myself. So, we aren't just friends, we're best friends. We're people that are in each other's lives. people that we can trust, we're equals. So how am I supposed to get over you if you're always around, I'm always sharing with you, being with you? How am I supposed to do that?
But I do it anyway, because you asked me to. I never want to let you down. I want to be in your life, even if it's just like that. Even if it hurts me inside every time I talk to you. But it passes; eventually. The searing heartache fades into a forgotten scar and I fall into another love, another crush, ready to get my heart broken all over again.
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